Faith In the Middle - an introduction
The clock reads quarter-to-one, then two, then three. I am still awake. Another spike in progesterone in my system has me on edge. The whole house is still and quiet, and yet I can not for the life of me still my mind. It’s the porphyria. Again. For the second time in less than week. I try reading a book. Nope. My brain won’t focus on the words. I try connecting with my senses. All I connect to is the tingling where my spine and brain meet, the flushing heat of my body, the ache of my stomach as it is both hungry and nauseous. And so I try to pray.
Over the last year my faith has grown deeper than ever before. I have been awed by God in scripture. I have fallen in love with Jesus again. And I have come to understand more intimately the work of the Holy Spirit in my life. I’ve been working on my prayer life since January when I identified it as a week spot in my relationship with God.
Back to the middle of the night. I remember words my mom shared with me; that when she can’t sleep, she prays for people. And so I try to pray. Now, if you know me, you know I can talk. Not always eloquently, and it often comes out more like a pile of spaghetti, but I can talk. Yet nothing comes. It’s not that I am scared to talk to God or doubt He is listening. I just do not know what to pray.
I manage to finally doze for an hour or two by taking a heavy blanket and curling up on my daughter’s bean bag with my worship playlist soothing my heart.
While nights like this are fairly rare, they happen enough that I am not disillusioned. Episodes like this will happen again. I can do my best to minimize triggers and learn healthy techniques to keep the anxiety at bay, but these nights are a part of what living with porphyria looks like for me. They are my dark nights. They are my valley’s, my trials. And while I have yet to completely loose faith in the middle, I have found it incredibly difficult to connect to my faith while in the middle. I don’t feel all the fuzzies. Rather, I have to tap into truth I know to be true, relying very strongly on a foundation of faith built over the years.
The last bad batch of dark nights was 3 months ago. It took a week for my body to physically recover, two weeks for the sleep to return to normal, and three weeks for my heart and mind to come out from under the cloud. (If you are interested, I posted several times during this period, titled Grace In the Dark, Lessons from a Caterpillar, and Psalm 42).
During one of my studies a month ago, I came across this scripture in Isaiah:
Isaiah 43:1-3, 5 (CSB)
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are mine. I will be with you WHEN you pass through the waters and WHEN you pass through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. You will not be scorched WHEN you walk through the fire, and the flame will not burn you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, and your Saviour…. Do not fear, for I am with you.”
Now there’s a whole sermon series that could be preached on this. But this is what leapt off the pages at me: the trials are not a matter of if, but when. And we all have them. I was suddenly really curious: how do others walk through trials, and what is their experience with God and faith while in the middle?
So the idea of the Faith In the Middle Project was born. Over the course of the next year (from Sept ‘21 to Aug ‘22), I will be featuring the story of a different woman each month. With varying ages and stages and backgrounds, we will talk about faith while walking through depression, chronic illness, identity, miscarriage, death, and more. We will explore how they experienced God and continued to live in faith through the middle of these trials. And here’s the beautiful thing: their stories are not necessarily wrapped up in pretty bows. I’m not looking for the Sunday School answers and inspirational quotes to post on Instagram (though I do think these ladies are pretty inspirational!). Rather, we will dig into the messy middle and there we will look for God.
Twelve incredible women have agreed to share these very vulnerable parts of their stories. I will have the privilege of interviewing them, then writing their story for you to read. Some you may know, others you’ll get to know, some will remain anonymous. All of them love the Lord and I feel honoured to call them sisters and friends.
If you are a praying person, please pray for these women and for myself as we embark on this journey. Please pray that these stories will encourage and strengthen many hearts. Most of all, please pray that God will be glorified.
On the last Friday of every month, you can look forward to listening to another story of Faith in the Middle