Faith In the Middle of Chronic Illness
If you were to walk into the front office of Parksville Baptist Church, it wouldn’t be very long before you would see the bright smile and hear the telltale laughter belonging to Christina. She is the Director of Kids Ministry at the church of my childhood on Vancouver Island (which is where I met her). She herself grew up in Ontario where the rest of her family still resides. A transplant to the west coast, God has placed her among many that have adopted her into their hearts. She is an extrovert, with the biggest heart for people. It is as if she carries with her a super soaker full of joy, leaving you drenched and laughing within minutes. Her passion for teaching children about the love and faithfulness of Jesus determines how she spends her time. Upon first meeting her, you may not realize that this overflow of joy and resolute faith has been distinctly shaped the challenges she has walked through.
We pull back the curtain for a quick glimpse into Christina’s story and see this scene: a construction zone in the middle of a residential neighborhood in Ontario, Canada. It is raining as the seasons change from spring to summer. The flagger wearing a bright yellow vest also has a bright smile on her face. At first glance, everything seems normal with this newly graduated university student. But everything is not normal. Just days before she received the news: the medication isn’t working. And the decision is now up to her. Should they operate or not? If they do, she may lose her sight on the operating table. If they don’t, she may lose her sight as the tumour presses on her optic nerve. Standing in the rain, she is praying, wrestling. When praying through getting the surgery, there is peace. When praying through leaving it in, there is anxiety. The words to a song provide comfort. “Healing rain, I’m not afraid to be washed by heaven’s rain.” She knows God has a plan. She has seen His faithfulness. The decision is made. She will have the surgery.
Christina’s childhood was shaped strongly by her faith. The family was very involved in their local Baptist Church; both her parents frequently volunteering their time and energy to serving. Church was Christina’s happy place. Perhaps more importantly was that her parents were pursuing God in private as well. As a child, she always knew her dad was downstairs praying. When Christina was 8, a conversation with her dad at bedtime led to him explaining the gospel message. Her response was “Count me in!” Not a lot changed. She was, in her own words, “a good little Christian girl before and after.” The influence and example set by her family helped her build her own faith habits, living out her faith even when she didn’t ‘feel’ like it. This consistency carried her through the seasons of uncertainty and doubt and health challenges she would face.
In her last year of highschool, Christina noticed some strange changes to her body. When she finally got it checked out, the diagnosis came back as a pituitary tumour growing just under her brain. The doctors figure it had begun growing early in childhood, perhaps even in utero. The tumour was a build up of prolactin, surrounded by a cyst type casing. Initially they hoped that medication would break up the tumour, shrink it. What the medication did do was lower her already low blood pressure, making her susceptible to dizzy spells and fainting. It also caused extreme exhaustion, where she would sleep 12 hours and wake up tired. This was how she began university, where her faith would be stretched, where she would fight to remain steadfast for Christ.
As a freshman in university, with a fresh tumour diagnosis and a treatment plan in place, Christina ploughed forward as best she knew how. When she wasn’t sleeping, she was building friendships and working on a degree in Speech and Language Sciences. Not wanting to bother her friends and disliking receiving help, it would be months later when friends learned she was living with a tumour. It was in this time, between tumour diagnosis and brain surgery, that Christina’s faith was challenged, or as she called it “the dark nights of her soul,” specifically during third and fourth year of university. She knew God was real. But didn’t think He cared. She continued to open her Bible to read, as was her daily habit, but felt like scripture was lying to her. Satan was attacking her mind. As she slowly began to open up to friends, it was their faith and their ability to speak truth to defeat the lies that she was believing. The cloud began to lift and she began to believe again that God not only real, but that He was also faithful and good and kind.
Final exams of her last year of university finally rolled around. The dark days of lies and fears had lifted and she was looking forward to the next season of completing the certification course that would allow her to work as a Speech Therapist. She experienced what she figured was a migraine, intense head pain that lasted two weeks through the course of her exams. Chalk it up to the stress and intense studying, her characteristically Christina “chill, go with life, don’t deal with it or bother anyone” attitude brushed it off. A regular check up a few weeks later revealed that in fact the tumour was growing, and a blood vessel feeding the tumour had ruptured. Now the size of a 2x4 lego brick in a very small gland, the decision to operate was upon her. Once the decision was made that day on the construction site, things fell into place. A month later and she was on the operating table. A large majority of the tumour was removed, but unfortunately the pituitary stalk was damaged. And as a result, for the rest of her life, Christina will have to have regular bloodwork and prolactin levels checked, as well as remain on the same medication to keep it from growing again. She will always live with the side effects of unbalanced hormones, as well the exhaustion and low blood pressure caused by medication. She has to constantly be aware of the energy tax every decision has.
In the years since her surgery (and since her move out west), Christina has experienced difficult seasons of intense headaches and migraines on top of tumour side affects. And each time doctors have been unable to find the source as they are certain it is not related to her tumour. And each of these seasons Christina has learned just a little bit more about surrender rather than spiralling into anxiety and fear. I’m sure many of us can relate to just how quickly our minds and hearts can spiral when things feel so uncertain. She’s clung to Philippians 4:4-8.
As I reflected on this passage and Christina’s stories, the following truths stood out to me (Quotes from the passage are in bold): Rejoice! There is joy found in the Lord. He lifts our eyes off of our troubles and turns our gaze to behold His goodness. The Lord is near. No matter what we are walking through, He is near to us, to comfort and sustain and strengthen. His peace has the ability to guard our minds and hearts from lies straight from the pit. We are invited to surrender our anxiety and fear to Him. He can bear it. Input matters! What we ponder and dwell on shapes how we view and process what is going on in our lives. The thing that is most lovely? Jesus. He changes everything.
One of the ways Christina learned to practically live out Philippians 4:4-8 and connect to God was through music. Music has such incredible power to break the lies we are believing, or speak into our fear and anxiety. Christina shared the following:
“Time after time after time, whether its in worship in a large gathering, but more often than not, I’ll go for a walk and ask “Hey God, can you make me a playlist?” And He does. And through the course of the songs, the songs will meet me where I’m at, and completely break me, and then God will put me back together. There have been moments where God has done that. But I have to surrender I have to come to the end of myself to find that it’s all in God’s hands. I’ve learned to trust the playlist.”
While Christina thankfully didn’t lose her sight from the brain surgery, the trials she has walked through have taught her what it looks like to walk by faith and not by sight. One of her favourite songs is the beautiful modern day hymn “By Faith” by Keith and Kristyn Getty.
For Christina’s story, there hasn’t been a clear middle. In fact, you could say she will always be in “the middle” in regards to managing her health. By faith, she has been able to walk through each challenge. One key has been consistency in God’s word, daily allowing Him to speak to her heart. The habit formed in childhood, sustained even through seasons of doubt, is a constant source of life and hope for her. When things get hard, she checks in with God, goes for those walks. The truth she knew as a child, that God is good and faithful and in control, she can now point to evidence of in her life. Another lesson she has learned is to let people into the pain, accepting friendship when she has nothing to give in return, and trusting that God wants to use them to be His hands and feet in her life.
As we close the curtain on Christina’s story, I want to leave you with this last glimpse and thought. Christina shared with me that when she was a tween, she was browsing through a Christian book store when she came across some book marks. You know the ones: a personalized name with a faith-inspired name meaning on it. She found “Christina,” and on it were the words “Steadfast for Christ.” She has carried that idea with her through the years as she attributes her faith and her joy found in life despite circumstance as a gift from God. Yes, she has remained steadfast in her love for Christ through a tumour diagnosis, through medication side effects, through spiritual attack, through brain surgery, through changes and through anxiety and fear. But I think her story points to a story far better truth and that is this: the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. Great is HIS faithfulness.
This is what I have learned from her story and want to pass on to you: whatever it is that you are walking through right now, even if it seems like it is never going to end, you can trust God with it. We can walk by faith and not by sight, because he’s got it, no matter what “it” is. Open your hands and release whatever you are holding on to for dear life, and surrender it into His control. Psalm 55:22 says “Cast your burden on the Lord and He WILL sustain you.” Fix your eyes on Him. He is faithful, steadfast and will not move from your side. The Lord is near. Let Him in.
One of the ladies from Christina’s community was praying her through a season of headaches and migraines - not sure if it would be tumour related or not. As soon as she heard it was not related, she cut this bouquet of flowers from her garden and delivered them to Christina at the church. These flowers are a reminder of God’s blessing and faithfulness - both through good medical news, and His provision and care through His people.