Faith in the Middle of Life’s Trials

Here we are, nearing the end of the Faith in the Middle series. And I have one more story for you. In timing only God can arrange, Abigail’s* story is the perfect way to close. At the heart of the story is the theme of hoping in the Lord and His Father’s heart for us.

*The names have been changed or hidden upon request.

Let me tell you a little bit about Abigail. She is a coastal girl through and through, complete with a love for sushi and anything with fresh fish. She was the first of two children born to immigrant parents who came from different countries and cultures, meeting and marrying here in her mother’s country of origin. They married quite young. And Abigail remembers a happy childhood, just the four of them.  Christian religion was a part of their family, and Abigail doesn’t remember a time when she didn’t know and believe in Jesus.

However, the rain and grey of where they were living eventually led to seasonal depression for her mom. Without consulting his wife, Abigail’s dad sold their house and made the decision to move the family further south to a place with more sun. Abigail was 8 years old at the time, and marks it as a turning point in her parents relationship, with a breakdown in communication and growing tension.

After the move, her father took on a job that gave him a lot of prominence in the community. Two decades of public service, and Abigail was witness to how it changed him. He gave his best to everyone else while the family got crumbs. He developed a thirst for external validation, and the self-promotion that came with the territory served to bolster the ego. His work was his identity. Abigail remembers distinctly sitting around the dinner table. The phone would ring and he would get up to answer, laughing and talking and animated with whoever was on the other end of the line, and then sit back down in stone-cold silence until the meal was done. At this point though, Abigail still had a good rapport with her dad. She was a good student and studied hard.

After highschool, her parents gave her the choice: a car of her own, or bible school. She chose Bible school, and what followed was a year of growth. It was a safe space for her to question and explore her questions of faith more than she been allowed in the home or at church. It helped prepare her for the years to come of study in a secular setting.

Upon return, she began a teaching degree at university. A slew of personality tests in her early teen years had led her dad to type cast her. Her “destiny” was that of a school teacher. Abigail was indeed a good teacher, but it wasn’t what she was passionate about. However, Her parents had been saving for many years into a university fund, so between that and scholarships and summer jobs, Abigail was able to fund 5 1/2 yrs of education.  At one point during her university years, she decided to express a need for agency. She thanked her parents for the financial support, but expressed that she needed to be able to make her own decisions as an adult, that it was no longer okay for her parents to dictate her future. What came was the silent treatment from her dad for months. He was unable to handle to confrontation or accept the fact that he could be in the wrong. That incident was the beginning of erosion of respect and trust she felt for her dad.

One of the brightest spots in Abigail’s university days was the involvement with a Christian campus ministry. She loved the bible studies, taking part in every one that she could. Much like her year at bible school, this helped deepen her love for God and HIs word in her own context, away from what was expected as part of the family or church of her childhood.

After graduation, she did not feel the same ambition to climb the career ladder that her fellow graduates did. An opportunity to teach abroad for a few years came up that she jumped on. This experience was challenging and eye-opening, as well as solidified for her that teaching was not her passion. Abigail was more interested in helping people with their interpersonal relational skills. Her own relationship with a young man was growing, which led her to return early to Canada with the hopes that an engagement and wedding would be soon on the horizon.

This young man ticked all the boxes. He was active in the church, outgoing, and enjoyed telling people about Jesus. Abigail loved his family, and thought this was where her future laid. It all crumbled when it was discovered that he had been hiding a severe porn addiction for many years. All the church activity was overcompensation, because of the guilt he felt.

Abigail was mad at God. But instead of her shutting him out, she talked to Him about her pain. She heard Him say to her: “I am your Father, I know what is best for you.” Six weeks later, in a series of events only God could orchestrate, she met the man that would become her husband. God indeed did know what was best for her.

By the end of their first year of marriage, they were holding a baby boy. And two years later, a daughter. A third boy followed two years after that. Abigail was excited to see the friendship and relationship develop between her kids. Except she began to notice her daughter was developing differently than her son had. She was more floppy, more delayed. At follow up visits, the doctors treated her like a paranoid mom. “All kids develop differently.” It wasn’t until she was over a year old that a paediatrician confirmed she had low tone and was delayed. What followed was years of unknowns. Slews of doctor visits and specialists would follow. At each, Abigail would be asked questions about her pregnancy, the birth, how things were post-partum. She would feel the guilt: “Did I do this to her somehow?” When the family made a move back to where Abigail grew up, the doctor visits started all over again. It was then, when her daughter was 7 years old, that they finally got the answer. A rare-genetic disorder that only 500 kids in the world have been diagnosed with. A disorder where 85% of those kids with it have severe seizures. A disorder that often comes alongside other co-existing conditions. Her daughter has since been diagnosed with autism as well.

Living with a non-neuro-typical child has been isolating. Because her daughter ‘looks’ normal, they got a lot of stares from strangers when she has a meltdown in public. Going to church can be challenging and exhausting. As such, building community has been a slow process. While Abigail has gotten good at handling the public moments, it has altered their family’s life. While the boys have developed great empathy for such young ages, they also have much to grieve. For Abigail, the greatest grief comes when she sees other girls her daughters age and sees what could have been. She describes living with her daughter like looking through a plexiglass window. She can see her, but she can’t reach her.

While a diagnosis was a welcome relief (this was genetic and not her fault), it also brought with it a lot of fears. Within the first couple months of a diagnosis, they heard of several children passing away from the seizures. Abigail has had to learn what it means to trust God with the life of her child. When her daughter was born, she was given a name meaning “grace of God.” And Abigail has indeed seen God’s grace and relies on it daily. She recognizes the times she has failed, and knows she will fail again. She has seen others fail. But God will never fail. His grace and His mercy is new every morning.

In the last few years, an already rocky relationship with her father further deteriorated  when it was revealed he had been having an affair. The ego and inability to admit wrong that she saw in her teen years continues to have a profoundly negative impact on any sort of reconciliation. Additionally, it was revealed that her father-in-law had also hidden a decades long addiction to pornography. He had begun to take unsolicited inappropriate  interest in Abigail, unapologetic for his “enjoyment of women.” He is now separated from his wife and boundaries are in place.

Nearly 15 years after hearing God say the words “I am your Father” this truth rings even truer to Abigail as she she walks through the sorrow of neither father in her life. In fact, I purposefully chose to use the name Abigail as it means “Joy of the Father.” Because even as her earthly fathers have failed her, God’s steadfastness remains, and His joy and delight in His children continues to be a source of hope for Abigail.

Abigails story reminds me of a song that’s come out in the last year by Phil Wickham titled “It’s Always Been You.” (You can find the acoustic lyric video at the end of the post.)  The chorus beautifully sums up how Abigail has experienced God through all the various trials:

“You are the voice that calms the storm inside me

Castle walls that stand around me

All this time, my guardian was You

You are the light that shines in every tunnel

There in the past, You'll be there tomorrow

All my life, Your love was breaking through

It's always been You”

There has been another reoccurring truth in Abigail’s life that was first planted as a seed in her early 20’s. One morning on her way to work, she had an idea planted in her heart. “You will not be disappointed.” It struck her as significant, but also wishful thinking. It wasn’t until she came to her Bible reading later that day that she realized the Holy Spirit was prepping her to read this verse:

“Then you will know that I am the Lord; those who hope in me will not be disappointed.”

- Isaiah 49:23b (NIV)

This is what Abigail had to say about this verse:

“The emphasis, which is a theme through my life, is that you have to hope in the Lord. Nothing else, nobody else, not even hoping to get back with the other guy, not hoping to get married period… just hoping in the Lord. Full stop. That was very transformative for me and helped me ever since.”

There have been many other things that have helped to strengthen Abigail’s faith through the years, but when she read this verse, she made a whole body decision to put her hope in the Lord. It has helped her profoundly with her daughter, with relationships with her father figures, and the many other challenges she has walked through. She went on to say:

“The only times I have been disappointed in my life so far, since knowing Christ, is when I have tried to take the reigns and understand things with my own limited perspective and try to make decisions. [This is done] usually out of fear or pride or sometimes both… It is so important to rely on God’s guidance because He can see everything and we can’t. Truly, even down to smallest details.”

This is what faith in the middle is. It is a knowing and a clinging to the Father who is there through every moment, the Father who will not leave or abandon, fail us or disappoint us. Because when we put our hope in Him, in His word and His character, what we gain is unexplainable peace and joy and life. When we put our hope in Him, we are clinging to something and someone greater than what this world can offer. When we put our hope in Him, we will still walk through trials. But we do not go alone. He daily gives us exactly what we need to walk in faith through the middle. Abigail continues to hope in the Lord, through the future is unsure. And that journey is worth it as she walks with God.