Faith in the Middle of Post Partum
With the wind blowing the rain sideways and drenching everything it touched, sitting at my friend’s table was the best place to be. When I think of Lauren, the word warmth is top of mind. Her home smelled like pumpkin spice from the candle she had lit on the counter. And while the toddlers had managed to dump all the toys all over the carpet of the living room, I felt completely at ease. Because her house is a home. And she is the centre of it, the warmth extending beyond her husband and kids to anyone who comes through her doors. As we sat at her kitchen table and talked about the days when simply getting out of bed was something to celebrate, with tears streaming down her face as she talked of the love she has for Jesus, I was deeply moved at the ways God has pursued her, met her in the dark days, and uniquely gifted her to reflect Himself.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me tell you Lauren’s story.
Lauren is a self-described “prairie girl at heart.” Born in Saskatchewan which makes her a Roughrider fan for life, she still embodies the values of small town living: open door, cookies at the ready. (Speaking of cookies, Lauren is a legit baker. She’s known to show up at school drop off with cinnamon buns and churros for the lucky moms that happen to be around. And if she herself is looking for something to satisfy the sweet craving, it’s a quick pan of brownies whipped up that hit the spot!) Even as a teen, she wished there was a job where she could just sit with people to hear their stories and get paid for it. Showing up for others has been an integral part of her right from the beginning.
With her family she attended a Lutheran church. Known for their liturgy and structure, she grew up with a rich knowledge of God. But she herself did not truly know Jesus. When pressures from friends mounted, she brushed faith off as something that belonged to her parents. Behind the scenes, God was building a foundation of knowledge He would later use in her life. He was also moving the pieces so that when the decision for post-secondary school was upon her, Lauren chose Briercrest Bible College out of a desire to be at school with her brothers.
At a Briercrest prayer night, she encountered Jesus. The words “you’re not too late” flooded her heart. Jesus was there, waiting for her, inviting her into His warm embrace. It was then that she chose Him. However, the process of leaving the world behind did not happen overnight. Lauren describes it as “being pulled by the world but wanting Him.”
Through friends from school Lauren met her husband Nick, a BC boy with a love for the BC Lions. (It is a point of great banter in their marriage.) They married in September, 10 years ago. The first four years of marriage, Lauren would label herself a Christian and did not consider herself ‘worldly’ but had still not fully surrendered her heat. That changed when Nick and her made the decision to join Village Church and throw themselves into that community. A mediocre faith grew into a passionate love for Jesus that would soon be tested.
Lauren and Nick have four beautiful children: Charleigh (6), Joelle (3), Kenley (1.7), and William (7 months). The two youngest are considered “Irish twins,” with William being born 2 weeks before Kenley’s first birthday. And after each child came a period of post-partum anxiety and depression.
**It’s important to mention here that what is often referred to as “baby-blues” affects the majority of women in the immediate weeks after giving birth. One stat I read says that PPD affects 1-10 women, and lasts longer than the initial time the body needs to recalibrate the hormones. Symptoms can include (but not limited to) crying all the time, a depressed mood, feelings of unworthiness and hopelessness, a loss of pleasure, severe anger, trouble concentrating. PP anxiety can often accompany the PPD and can include persistent and excessive worries, an inability to relax, and OCD tendencies.
**If you are experiencing this, please reach out to someone and ask for help. A health nurse, your partner, a counselor, a friend. (You can even reach out to me). You are not alone in this.
Lauren described it as unexpected tidal waves that come out of nowhere, completely unpredictable in behaviour and length, ebbing and flowing. She would tell Nick “I know I sound insane and crazy. I just can’t turn it off.”
After Charleigh was born, the anxiety caused an over correction as she began to compulsively clean her house as an attempt to ‘maintain’ a standard she had built in her mind and keep control. When Joelle came along and she began to realize that she was at home all the time, she experienced a crisis of identity. When she would be asked “what do you do,” her response was “I’m JUST a mom.” She had just settled into a place of embracing the identity of stay-at-home mom when Kenley was born. It was February 14, 2020. And as we know, everything shut down due to COVID-19 and suddenly everyone was experiencing being at home all the time. For Lauren it meant being home alone with the girls. And for someone for whom community and people are such an integral part of their everyday life this was incredibly challenging for Lauren. She describes that time as feeling as if everything was crumbling around her. When Kenley was 3 months old, they found out that William was on his way. This brought an added layer of panic and anxiety to an already difficult time. Since William’s birth, Lauren has and continues to experience waves of loneliness and many many tears.
And yet, even in the middle of the tidal waves, on days when she felt like she couldn’t pick herself up off the floor, God was pursuing her, showing up for her. When she would wonder “Are you here in this moment?” the answer was always “I was already here before you arrived.”
This is how Lauren described it in her own words.
“It is the most comforting relationship now, over the years as it has grown. I’ve never felt a comfort and a peace from anybody like I have felt with Jesus. It took the world shutting down for me to see just how beautiful He is. To have nothing but Him and me in the walls of this home was the best thing He could have done for me. Because, in those dark moments I’d put music music on, and it would calm me. Even when I go through dark moments, I have scripture going through my head. Even if I was so lonely I never felt truly alone because I always felt like He was there. It was like, I’m sitting here crying, but I feel peace. And I think that’s what I’ve learned. There can be joy and peace in pain. They can actually co-exist together. And it’s this weird moment of feeling dark and heavy but feeling like “oh, you’re holding me.” It takes me back to that day of pray in bible college because I had that moment of picturing myself reaching out to Him, and when He kept saying “You’re not too late” it was a picture of Him holding me. So now to be going through motherhood feeling lonely and away from physical people, I’m actually feeling more held and comforted than I have ever been.”
Held. Comforted. Those are words of warmth. It struck me as I have been thinking of Lauren’s story that God was uniquely pursuing her and drawing her to Himself, using imagery and words that resonate deeply with who she is as a person. He gifted her with a heart and love for people, with a warmth that makes people feel safe, and when she was at her lowest, He met her with the exact same gift. A relational God, stepping toward her.
One of those worship songs Lauren would play is “Promises” by Maverick City Music. Some of those lyrics are as follows:
“Though the storms may come and the winds may blow I’ll remain steadfast.
And let my heart learn, when You speak a word, it will come to pass.
Great is Your faithfulness to me, Great is Your faithfulness to me.
From the rising sun to the setting same, I will praise Your name.
Great is Your faithfulness to me.”
As we sat there at her kitchen table, Lauren said something that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about.
“Yes, dark moments will come, but they will never be as dark as it would be without Jesus.”
Because of Jesus, Lauren was better able to discern lies that would only further the depression and anxiety. Because of Jesus, she knew that there would be light breaking through the darkness and that this would not last forever. Because of Jesus, she has a foundation on which to stand that is unshakeable when everything else is crumbling. Because of Jesus, she can walk through the dark and heavy and still feel peace.
If you were the one sitting at her kitchen table with a hot cup of something tasty, sharing your own story of tidal waves and dark days, this is what Lauren would tell you: Look up. Look to the author of life as He is writing your own unique story. Don’t look to what you see others doing. Comparison is a thief of joy. And keep walking. One foot in front of the next. We are uniquely and beautifully crafted as His children and He is doing a mighty work.
