Grey Days
On a similar fall day a year prior:
Today was one of THOSE days. When you wake up exhausted. When it is hard to be motivated to do anything. When nothing seems to bring joy or contentment. When the whole day you feel the shame of procrastination, but can't find the push to get started on anything. When you just want the day to be over so you can start fresh the next day.
One of THOSE days.
When low self-esteem rules the day. When you just want to escape reality, numb out the voices in the head, and seek comfort in TV, food, social media...
When life feels like it is under a dreary grey cloud.
These kind of days come along for me in 2 different ways.
The first is the typical procrastination build up. Put that one thing off again and again, and then another thing... until the to-do list feels unmanageable and overwhelming and you just want to get rid of it all and start fresh. Except you can't. Cause those things on the to-do list are there for a reason (#adulting).
This was me in university. I used to love the first week of school, until the unread chapters and assignments started piling up and the expectations of teachers became weights of shame I placed on myself.
The second way this day shows itself comes out of exhaustion. Physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion. When I'm physically tired, and have been pouring out that there is nothing left in the cup. Enter a grey day. It should be a recharge day. And if I reframed it as such, I might approach it differently. Except there is a part of me that still feels guilty to rest. That it is somehow shameful to need to recharge.
This was me today. The last few weeks have been good. They have also been really full. Birthday and brunch, community group and people... Loving, caring, sharing, preparing, participating. All good. And then today. I needed the "recharge," but felt guilty to need it, didn't have the energy or mental space to pursue rest well, and so it became a grey day out of inaction.
I did keep the girls alive. And we all had good naps. And I did collapse all the cardboard to fit into one box. And I did clean the kitchen.
I think I am also beginning to feel the weight of the long haul. I've fallen prey to our societies need for instant, sudden, overnight. Roots don't grow overnight. The work that I am putting in now, the learning, the writing, the wrestling, the practicing... It will all pay off down the road. But I won't see the fruit for awhile. And I need to be at peace about that.
I need to keep going. Don't quit. Don't get dismayed. Don't loose hope. Don't try to jump the fence to greener fields. Stay grounded. Stay true. Keep my eyes fixed on Jesus. And take another step. Do the next right thing. And then the next. And then the next.
It's the only way to fight the grey days.
Current fall day:
Though the sprout may be small, I am starting to see growth coming. It has been a year of resisting the easy routes of instant and pouring the intentional time into the growing and building.
I still have grey days. I’ve come a long way from the days of procrastinating and heaping self-imposed shame on my head. But I still have days when I am weary. In fact, this past week has been such; again feeling the weight of the long haul. I heard someone describe it as fatigue of the fatigue. I still have moments where I find myself endlessly scrolling or binge watching. When ‘rest’ is actually draining me more than recharging.
But here is where I am beginning to see the growth. Instead of numbing out the weariness, I am learning to tackle it head on. The best way I have found to do that is to ask myself “what is the next right thing?” Some times that answer is rest. And rest may be in the form of watching TV with Bob. The answer could also be the next to-do on my list, or making that phone call to a family member or sending that text to a friend. The next right thing is often opening my Bible, or simply putting all else aside to lay on the floor and allow myself to be crawled over by girls and dog alike.
The true battle of grey days however is fought in the heart and in the mind. On grey days, it is very easy to believe lies like the following:
“You don’t know what you are doing.”
“Look at that mom. She’s doing a much better than job than you ever could.”
“Are you really qualified or capable?”
“You’ll never achieve anything of significance.”
“You’re a joke, a fraud, a worthless nothing.”
“If people really knew you they would be disgusted.”
“Perhaps all these things really are true.”
So more than anything, the next right thing is always to speak truth to the lies. I am not helpless. I have worth. I am lovable. And not because I have all those things within me. But because I have a Saviour who has unconditional love for me, who created me in His image, who calls me His child, who gives me abundant and eternal life, who sets me free, who will bring goodness from every broken and twisted thing, who gives me exactly what I need for each day, who promises peace and rest. When I hold up my Christ-given identity and speak the Gospel out, those lies lose all validity.
Perhaps you are experiencing some grey days. Perhaps you are believing lies that have broken through. Perhaps you are discouraged and feeling fatigue at fatigue, weary with the long haul ahead. I want to speak these words of truth over you:
You are loved. You have incredible worth and value. There is a Saviour who wants nothing more than to set you free from sin and lies and give you peace and rest.
So keep going. Don’t quit. Don’t get dismayed. Don’t loose hope. Don’t try to jump the fence to greener fields. Stay grounded. Stay true. Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus. And take another step. Do the next right thing. And the next. And then the next.
PS. I’ve started reading a great book given to me by my friend (thanks Bekah!) that talks about stopping the spiral of toxic thoughts. Check out “Get Out of Your Head” by Jennie Allen
PPS. As I typed this out I was listening to to the song “Who You Say I Am” by Hillsong Worship. A practical tool for fighting grey days is music. I have a playlist of my favourite worship songs and when I’m really weary, using these words over and over help me start to believe what is true!
PPPS. If life has been very grey for you and you are comfortable sharing, send me an email. I would love to be praying for you and with you.