With Abandon
The first time I was inspired to write I was a teenager. The year was 2005. I was 17.
At the time I felt grown up and mature, just on the brink of adulthood. In my final year of high school, I had more responsibility than ever. I was learning how to drive, and was part of the our youth leadership team as a student leader for the middle school kids. My eyes were also on the future. I had come back from a life-changing trip to Northern Ireland that summer and was certain my future held ministry, maybe Bible school, and hopefully time back in the green isle I had fallen in love with.
I don’t remember the exact nature of the gathering, except that the youth leadership team was spread out in a large gathering room of the church to take some time to read, journal, pray; to meet with God. I was laying on the floor on my stomach, probably propped up on a cushion, with my NIV bible in it’s blue case I thought was SO cool and a spiral bound journal in front of me.
My bible was open to Jeremiah 1 where God calls Jeremiah to go deliver His message to the people of Israel. And two things struck me: God knew the future ahead of Jeremiah, and when Jeremiah felt unqualified and scared, God reassured him that He will give Jeremiah what he needs.
And I wrote the following:
Who am I
That you would want me
To share your love
To those around
I am young
And I am scared
What does it mean
To do your will
Yet your love for me
It does not fade
Your love for them
Grows strong each day
When I doubt and turn away
In the quiet you call my name
What do I do
What do I say
That they will see
You are the way
You knew my name
Before I came
You've formed the words
I have yet to say
I will go
I will follow
Wherever you lead
Whatever your will
I will follow you
At the time I meant for them to be song lyrics. In fact, my friend Jason put them to music. I could still sing you the tune and pick out the chords on the piano. In my records somewhere I have all that written down. But I’ve since come to decide that while I love to sing in the private of my home and in large groups where my voice can’t be heard, I don’t think I’m suited for performing. Anyways, I digress. Song lyrics are really just poems sung. And so, I consider this my first poem.
I took those verses in Jeremiah and they resonated with where I was in life. I felt so unqualified (still do a good part of the time), young and inexperienced (cause it was true!), unsure what the future looked like (and gosh darn it I would have loved to know), but even then felt this tug on my heart that God was leading me and calling me to something.
Big picture, I think that something was and still is a leading me closer to himself and calling me into deeper relationship with him. Even bigger picture, the book of Jeremiah is him being a spokesman for God to tell His people to return to Him after years of corruption and sin and to speak of a new covenant that will be established with Jesus. Studying Jeremiah this past year I must admit that I think I resonate more with the people of Israel than Jeremiah. How often we need to be reminded to return with our whole hearts!
This poem was originally titled “With Abandon” as I truly wanted to follow God wherever he would take me, with a complete lack of inhibition or restraint. Now fully cemented in adulthood, I don’t necessarily have the same lack of inhibition or restraint towards life because I’ve learned that a bit of holding back can be wise. But the heart behind it is still the same, and I’m still the same Anne who can with confidence still say “whatever your will, I will follow you.”
Does it look like I had pictured it. No.
Is it still good? Yes.
Do I have it all figured out yet? Nope
Is it a harder? It depends on the day.
Would I want to be anywhere else? Not a chance.
After this poem was written, I went on to right a couple dozen others over the next few years, some put to music, some just snippets of ideas. And then 10 years of nothing until last year when I started writing again. Perhaps I will share more of those early poems as I look back and honour the girl that was doing the best she could with where she was.