A Tree

I have come to love the forest and the trees. Providing shade in the heat of summer, shelter from the rain in the winter, respite from the hustle of the city, a refuge of calm for my weary heart. There is something about the growing process that inspires and grounds me. I am by no means a green thumb, but rather an admirer of the beauty that comes from a seed. 

Throughout different stages in my life, there have been significant trees I can still picture in my head. The Garry Oak Tree in the garden of the house I grew up in that we would climb and that in the winter would light up the snow with the white lights my dad would string up through it’s branches. The arbutus tree at the top of Notch Hill in Nanoose that had a bench attached to it’s trunk. The pine trees we would climb while blueberry picking only to slide down and get covered in pitch. The cherry trees of the Okanagan that would fill our cardboard boxes with dark red fruit for canning. The magnolia trees that would bloom on campus just as the school year was coming to a close. The apple trees that were the backdrop for my wedding to Bob Wang. 

The tree that has held prominent space in my life these last few years is myself. Now I know what you’re thinking. “Anne, that’s a little too abstract...” But if you’re willing, let me explain.

Fourteen months after the birth of my first daughter I was not in a good place. I had always wanted to be a mom and thought I would be a good one. But as she transitioned from baby to toddler, her strong will and independence started to emerge. And it triggered something inside. Feelings of doubt, failure, inadequacy, and incompetency led to fear and self-critique. I was exhausted. Physically and emotionally. And hormones? Well hormones have been out of whack since I first got pregnant, now nearly five years ago. 

I had studied counselling when I did my social work degree, but had figured I didn’t need it myself. Bob had suggested a few years prior I might find it helpful, but up to this point, I was good. Not great, but good. Well, fall 2017 something clicked and I realized that if I truly desired to be the best mom and wife I could be, then I needed to be the healthiest Anne I could be.  The first step? Counselling.

I started seeing a wonderful counsellor and if you were to ask her (and thankfully due to confidentiality you can’t!), she would probably tell you that the young woman that showed up at those early sessions had a very negative view of herself. The self-criticism was strong. The self-blame even stronger. In one exercise where she had me speak to a part of myself left me in tears. There were a lot of tears. In one of those early sessions she asked me what I wanted, how I saw myself. My answer was this. I want to be like a tree. Standing tall, with strong roots that hold the tree steady in a storm. At that time however, I felt like a small vulnerable seedling. This picture of being a tree was vivid to me. And so began a journey of rediscovering myself, my purpose, relearning healthy thoughts and learning to speak truth to the lies and building a root system that would ground the growth to come.

Now, have you ever started a project like cleaning the cupboards and things have to get messy before they get better? Well it’s the same in pursuing emotional and mental health. Things have to get a bit messy and unassembled before improving. Not even 3 months into counselling and I had my first ‘episode.’ Physically sick, awake all night, and an anxiety and adrenaline loop that would not shut off. A month later, another episode. And then another. And then a long weekend when I experienced 2. That time, the anxiety lingered. It was hard to eat. It was hard to focus. Normal tasks took twice as long. It meant a long planned and anticipated trip to Europe was cut brutally short. (24 hrs in Amsterdam to be exact...)  It felt as if I was going backwards, not forwards, that the healing and hope had all but been destroyed. Devastated beyond recovery. But while on the outside a seedling may look vulnerable, we don’t see the roots starting to take hold. And even in a few months, the roots were finding their hold in truth.

All the while I was starting to ask big questions: what is my purpose? What am I passionate about? What does ‘healthy’ look like for me? How do I do life? How do I thrive and not just survive? I did a book study. “100 Days to Brave” by Annie F Downs. That inspired me to travel to San Diego and take part in Mike Foster’s Rescue Academy, a class on helping people towards emotional health. I continued to grow and learn. Except now I was not just learning how to be healthy emotionally and mentally, but also physically and spiritually.

The episodes still occurred, though less frequently. One such episode ended another trip. This time a week in Mexico with my young family of four. A dear friend brought over a care package, and in it were perhaps the most beautiful verses in scripture about a tree. 

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord... He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green and it is not anxious is the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruits.” - Jeremiah 17:7-8

When I read this I cried. If there was a verse that spoke directly to my heart and what I desired to be, this was it.

About that time I made a decision. I was going to start writing. As a way to process and create and have an outlet for all the learning I was doing. And so I did. Eleven months later and I’m nearing 200 notes in my folder. This where we find ourselves today. The idea of pursuing health and healing has led up to the creation of this website. Because as I was ‘growing’ so too were/are my sisters. And as we continued to share and speak into one another’s lives, we realized that together we have much to share. God was taking something that started simply as becoming a healthier version of myself and growing it to have a bigger purpose to encourage others towards health and healing.

The beautiful thing about the future is that it is unknown. The scary thing about the future is that it is unknown. I don’t know how far this journey I am on will take me and I have learned enough about how God works to not attempt to guess what he will do with simple obedience. But what I land on is this: if even one person is encouraged towards healing by the words God has put on my heart, then it is all worth it. Perhaps even the act of simply obeying God’s call on my life is enough. My heart’s desire though is that a legacy will be left for my daughters and perhaps others of pursuing health and wholeness and ultimately hope and peace found in God. 

Cause here’s the truth. The most significant “tree” in my life is the wooden cross fashioned out of wood from a tree that Jesus dies on for me. And for you. And ultimately it is in him that we will find peace and wholeness. 

So, here we go. There will be silly stories I’m sure. Some poems every now and again. Heartfelt revelations and lessons learned. But just as a tree an forest provide refuge and shelter and beauty, may you find hope and truth and healing and beauty in the words to come. 

Post script #1: 

I still regularly speak to my counsellor. I still have down days. But I have changed. I have grown. I wouldn’t say I’m totally different because I don’t think that is accurate. If anything, I am thriving more in my uniqueness. I am healthier and more authentically me. And I am learning to love the process. To embrace the journey. The “Anne-tree” has put down some solid roots.

Post script #2:

For my 30th birthday a few years ago my sister painted a beautiful painting of a tree that my extended family then used their thumbs to paint the branches of the tree. It was their way of saying “we’re walking along beside you.” (Cue heartfelt ugly tears). It hangs in our hallway.

Post script #3:

You’ll find my very first piece of writing under the title “Time to Start” in which I go deeper into why I decided to start writing.