Time to Start
Last August I decided to start writing each day. This was the first one. The seed of something bigger than I had imagined.
It is time.
Time to stop only consuming content.
My 20's can be characterized by one word. Consuming. At university, I took in academic information, crammed all night to write that exam to pass that course. In my friendships and relationships, I was also a consumer. My identity was found in relation to others, forgetting myself. I was absorbed into my relationship with Bob and the early years of our marriage. How could he complete me, satisfy me, meet my needs? Post university, I became a consumer of entertainment content. TV. From reality shows to crime shows to dramas and comedies. At one point I had a list of at least 12 shows I was following. Binge consuming. All absorbing. Getting lost in make belief worlds. Anything to numb the doubts and fears and insecurities I felt inside. And as I entered motherhood, the consuming took a different form. Podcasts. From world news to crime to stories to interviews, I listened and listened and listened. When nursing. When changing diapers. When cooking. When driving. Laying in bed in the morning. Up at night with the baby. Listening. And often playing a game while listening to keep my fingers engaged. And its true that podcasts have been better than TV. I've learned and been challenged and expanded my horizons. But it was still consuming.
Now... Now the time has come.
Time to clear the cobwebs from my brain.
I'm learning that part of how I am wired internally creates a brain fog. I often find it difficult to put into words my thoughts in a cohesive delivery for the hearer. Until a few months ago, I would explain something and follow it with a, "Does that make sense?" It's like a steamed up mirror after a hot shower, cobwebs in a dusty attic, or a foggy fall morning in the lowlands. I KNOW what I want to say, I just don't know the right words to say it. I know what I FEEL, but have difficulty explaining why I feel that way. And while I believe that the heart behind the delivery is translated without words, I do want to improve the words. In practicing putting my thoughts and stories and experiences and lessons down on paper, it will help clear the fog.
So it is time to put thoughts to words.
When I was thinking about this project, I asked myself, "What do I want to write, and who do I want to write for?" I want to write what I know. Experiences, anecdotes of life, lessons I am learning, memories, life-changing seasons. I want to write about family and faith and the pursuit of being the healthiest version of myself. I want to stop just consuming and engage with content now. Add my thoughts. Put into practice. Slow down. Give space for my own creativity to spark. I want to write for my girls. Elizabeth and Eleanor. Precious girls that will one day grow to be women. This is for them. And if it encourages others as well, then may God be praised!
Time to pursue, move forward, take that step of courage.
I saw the quote somewhere: "So be afraid. Then do it anyway." I am scared. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not a good writer. I just have to start. And keep going. And not stop. One step at a time. Courage, dear heart, courage.
As I write, Elizabeth is trying to fall asleep, singing a simple chorus.
"I love you Lord, and I lift my voice, to worship you, O my soul, rejoice! Take joy my King, in what you hear. May it be a sweet sweet sound in your ears."
That's my prayer.
I love you Lord.
I lift these words that I write as worship to you.
For your joy and delight.