Faith in the Middle of Abuse
Hey friends. Before I share this month’s story, I need to give you a heads up. This story contains depictions of domestic abuse. While I will do my best not to be too graphic, I also need to be true to the reality of Margarita’s story. If this will be triggering for you, please take care of your own heart. Also, if you or someone you know is currently in a dangerous situation, let this story be perhaps one more sign that it’s time to reach out for help. There is a way out.
About four years ago, I noticed this tall, beautiful woman at a distance at church. We have mutual friends. And my friends that know her love her dearly (which is always a good sign of character!). She has a radiant smile and a contagious laugh. It wasn’t until we were invited to study the book of Jonah together in a small group that I got to know the depth and heart behind the smile. Margarita is half-Colombian and loves a strong cup of coffee (or two or three!) and we first bonded over shared love of appies and anything with a sauce. I mean, she brought chips and salsa to our first study session. What’s not to love! I knew she had a daughter, Eva, but over time learned that she was estranged from Eva’s dad. It wasn’t till I sat down with her recently that I heard the whole story, from beginning, to new beginning. And how through every moment God was never far away.
The beginning for Margarita was growing up in a home with three other kids. It was a Christian home, which shaped the early years of her faith. She gave her life to Jesus at the age of 11, and was baptized at the age of 17, at which point she felt close to God and desired to serve Him with her whole life. There were also cultural aspects of the home which shaped her. Her mother, who was of Latin heritage, favoured her sons. Her father, who himself grew up with a strict British heritage, was not quick to show emotion or affection. Margarita and her sister found themselves struggling to find their place within the family, wanting the love and affection, but never quite good enough. These longings for love and affection and being someone’s #1, as well as having been quite sheltered, meant that when Margarita became an adult, she was naive to people, life, and men.
She marks the entrance of her first boyfriend into her life at the age of 19 as when she began to distance herself from God. She never stopped believing, but the desire to love and serve Him shifted to a desire to love and serve her boyfriend, making him her first priority in return for tangible love and affection. She ignored the red flags, and for nearly eight years stayed, despite frequent unfaithfulness, neglect, and the tug of war he played with her heart. She never felt enough. When the weight of the betrayal brought the relationship crashing down, it completely shook her sense of self-worth and identity.
Not long after, something else happened that further pulled her away from trusting God. Her brother Daniel, who at the time was 19, got sick and deteriorated rapidly. He was admitted to the hospital after a week, and passed away the same day. Margarita had been praying, “Lord, we’re such a good Christian family, we’re a good family… you can’t take him away.” And so when the Lord did take Daniel, Margarita was shattered. The rest of the family drew closer to God for comfort. Margarita was angry. She accused God of not being on her side. She still went to church every Sunday, as she always had with her family, but she had drifted far from trusting God.
The following year, a new man entered Margarita’s life. (We will call him Ryan for the continued safety of Margarita and her family). She saw him first at a distance at church with a group of guys that came from a recovery house. Empathy grew in her heart towards him, and she asked her brother-in-law to invite Ryan to join their small group. In that context, as she got to know him, she saw what she believed was a genuine faith and a man who was living a surrendered life. It wasn’t long before a relationship formed.
Ryan pursued Margarita, and the relationship progressed quickly. Just as Margarita had replaced God with relationships in the past, Ryan began to do the same. He replaced God with her, with an intensity and possessiveness that should have been red flags. He cut out other friends from his life. She was his whole world. Ryan had a history of neglect from his childhood, as well as a history of drug abuse. He had only been sober 6 months when they met. And Margarita, still feeling a void in her own life, ignored the warning signs because she wanted to be someone’s first pick. She needed to feel the love. It got serious quickly, and once he had proposed and the wedding planning had started, she didn’t know how to stop it. Ryan, dominating and intense, was growing in his control of Margarita, who was shy and submissive.
Within two years of meeting, they were married. And almost immediately after they were married, the shift came. Anger once directed towards others became directed towards Margarita. In Ryan’s mind, Margarita belonged to him. He owned her. And he wanted to control her. It was two months into this growing nightmare that Margarita discovered she was pregnant. This had not been a part of the “plan” they had.
The emotional and verbal abuse happened on a daily basis. She was blamed for everything, for every bad day. The pressures of bills, a new family, wife, baby on the way were constant triggers. The first time Ryan was physically violent towards Margarita, she was 6 months pregnant and driving. A violent outburst led to him grabbing her arm so hard that it left a bruise that last several months. That whole summer, she never left the house in short sleeves.
Eva, their daughter, was born in 2010, when Margarita was 29 years old. They had been married one year.
Margarita didn’t know how to tell people what was going on. She felt ashamed as this was not “the Christian way.” She began to isolate from others, with a “get used to it” mentality that led to both suffering in silence and a deep emptiness inside that eventually led her to cry out.
“God, why is this my life? You need to deliver me!”
At this point of the story I want to take a step back to give you some statistics.
Within Canada, 4 out of every 10 women will experience some sort of intimate partner violence (IPV), psychological, physical, or sexual violence.
Recent numbers coinciding with the pandemic show cases of IPV are on the rise.
On average, a victim will leave and return 7 times before they leave for good.
Leaving an abusive partner puts the victim at incredible risk as the abuser often becomes more violet as they feel they are loosing control.
If you or someone you know needs help, please check out this website from the Canadian Government that provides a shelter list, important numbers to call, as well as legal resources.
Margarita began having “extended stays” with her family, where she would leave Ryan for a time, taking Eva. Every time she left, the time away got longer and longer. Ryan would cry and beg, so she would return. Sometimes she returned because she was afraid. Sometimes she returned because of empty promises that things would be different.
Five years into the marriage, Margarita stumbled across some info that Ryan had been inquiring about sex with other women. She described to me a light switch moment, like God was confirming, it was okay to leave. She packed everything into garbage bags, took Eva, and went to her parents. It took Ryan a couple months to realize she wasn’t returning. And when he did, he snapped. He threatened to hurt her and her parents. He would call 100x a day, even showing up at her place of work. The violence escalated. And the police had to get involved.
Something happened that Margarita looks back on and sees just how near God was. Ryan, in his grasp for control, tried to get custody of Eva, so he took Margarita to court. Margarita had previously been too scared to go to court to get a protection order. But because Ryan initiated, she had to show up. The first step in a custody battle within the BC Court system is to speak with a family justice counsellor who is supposed to mediate and see if a resolution can be met before seeing a judge. When Margarita went in for her appointment, she learned the counsellor she had been assigned was a Christian. She asked Margarita to fill out a questionnaire, and upon reading the answers immediately filed for a protection order. It went before the judge that very day, and with the proof Margarita was able to show, it was granted. God saw her.
Every time Ryan broke the order, he was arrested. And every time, the length of jail time got a little longer and a little longer. It reached a point where he was banned from the city Margarita worked and lived in, and 911 would prioritize her phone calls. Even with that in place, she lived in fear. She was still a prisoner of Ryan’s. She was scared driving. She was scared at work. She was scared for Eva. In order to function, she had to disassociate at times, burying all the trauma she was living through.
Another thing happened that showed God’s nearness. Margarita’s pastor passed on the phone number of a lady who helped women transition out of abuse. An appointment was set up with detectives who informed Margarita that her case was the worst case of domestic abuse they were currently dealing with. The words “statistically, you are the type that ends up dead” where the words that finally pushed aside any doubt that it was okay to seek a divorce. This lady then took Margarita by the hand and helped lead her through the whole divorce process.
In Ryan’s final attempt to get back at Margarita, he was waiting in his car as she left work for the day. He started following her, trying to push her off the road, driving recklessly as she sped to try to get away. Both stopped at an intersection, and he tried to get into her car. She got away and drove straight to the police station. A warrant was already out for his arrest, and police began looking for him for days. In another God moment, she had decided to go out with a friend, which was rare. Her phone died, and her friend got sick, so she took her friend home. And when she was finally able to charge her phone at her friends house, she had dozen of missed calls warning her not to come home. He had been outside her parents house, waiting for her.
Ryan was arrested and went to jail for a long time. When he was released, he moved away. He disappeared. It was over. Margarita was given 100% custody of Eva, who was now nearly five years old.
And while the violence and abuse were over, Margarita was left with so much emotional baggage. Ryan had managed to pulverize what little confidence and self-esteem she had. She was a shell of a woman. And as she had done in the past, she thought the answer was validation from men. She went out, dating. She did things she was not proud of, ending up in short term relationships that felt like a repeat.
One of Margarita’s favourite songs has these lyrics that speak to what happened next:
“Lord, you are the light that broke the darkness.
You satisfy my soul when I am heartless.
If ever I forget my true identity,
Show me who I am and help me to believe.
You have brought me back with the riches of
Your amazing grace and relentless love.
I’m made alive forever with You, life forever
By Your grace I’m saved, by Your grace I’m saved.”
Citizens “Made Alive”
“It’s time to come home.”
The day was October 17, 2016. It was 10 years to the day of her brother Daniel’s passing and Margarita was driving to meet her family to visit his grave. And she heard God say audibly, “It’s time to come home.” Not once, not twice, but seven times.
Her response was “Okay God, I don’t know what it means, but I’m going to try my best.” A timely invitation to Village church and an even more timely sermon on singleness and returning to God began the journey towards healing, towards her new beginning. She returned to the heart’s cry of 17 year old Margarita, where it was about God and her. The healing journey wasn’t easy. She experienced a season of depression, spiritual attack, and went through a program called Freedom Session which forced her to confront all the stuff from her past.
As I was mulling over Margarita’s story, I came across this scripture in my daily study.
Psalm 34:4-5, 15, 17-18
“I sought the Lord, and He answered me and rescued me from all my fears. Those who look to Him are radiant with joy; their faces will never be ashamed….. The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears are open to their cry for help…. The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, and rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is near the broken-hearted; He saves those crushed in spirit.”
God heard Margarita’s cries for deliverance that she uttered early in her marriage. She carried with her, through the middle of the abuse, a distant hope that one day, God would get her out. And He did. He rescued her. He protected her. And He redeemed her out of the darkness.
“He was always there. God was never far away. He wasn’t this distant God that I feel like I started to believe was true after my brother passed away…. I can look back now and see that God was with me the whole time. And He never left me. He was always consistently there, almost like He was waiting for me to return to Him. And when I did He was ready and waiting…. I also feel like God protected me so much along the way, and there were so many situations and incidents that could have easily turned really horrible, and by some miracle it didn’t. God was protecting me, and there to guard me the whole way through. In hindsight I can see that…. There is still some damage that I am working through even now, and I can see how God continues to show me that He’s still trying to bring me through this healing journey.” - Margarita
Margarita has been a single mom to Eva now for eight years. She is grateful for the support of her parents, as well as her job that allows her to financially provide a stable life for Eva. (Which, by the way… Margarita is an English teacher at a specialized high school for kids with mental health challenges! They are so lucky to have her!) She stayed single for quite a stretch of time after returning back to God. But talk about new beginnings… a bit ago Margarita met a man when she wasn’t looking for anything. Friendship grew into something more, and he proposed over the Christmas holidays. She is getting remarried in September to a godly man that loves and respects her, and embraces Eva.
As I sat and pondered Margarita’s story, I kept coming up against this one thing again and again, and that is one of the names of God. El Roi. The God who sees me.
A pregnant Hagar, in the desert, having suffered her own trauma at the hands of Abraham and Sarah, is running away. And it says that the angel of the Lord called her by name. They have this conversation in which he says “The Lord has heard your cry of affliction.” He speaks promise over Hagar. And her response is to say “You are El-Roi… in this place, have I actually seen the one who sees me?” (Genesis Ch 16). And this is not the last time. The story continues and years later, she finds herself in the desert again, this time with her son, distressed, without any water, prepared to die. God once again hears her cries and He opens her eyes to see that He has provided for her. A note in my study bible says this: “This is the God of the Bible. He never takes His eyes off of His people. He never stops seeing them.” (She Reads Truth Study Bible, pg. 33)
God never took His eyes off of Margarita. And friend, His eyes are on you too. Whatever it is you are walking through, He is near the broken-hearted. He hears our cries of desperation. And He is calling each of us to come home so that He can open our eyes to see He has been there all along.