Faith in the Middle of the Death of a Spouse

Do you have that person in your life that you know is going to show up to meet a practical need, no matter the time of day or what it may cost them because that’s just who they are? This months story is about such a woman. Over the years she has literally welcomed strangers into her home, cared for kids while parents go through medical emergencies, taught special needs children, made countless visits to hospice and the homes of the elderly, taught the rowdy Grade 1/2 boys Sunday School class, and cooked many a last minute meal big enough for extras around the table. She was also a foster mom for many years. At camp as a teen, she was called Mo. For most of her adult life she was Mrs. Buschhaus. To one special boy at the school she was Mrs. Tree-fort. To her friends, she is Maureen. To her seven (with #8 on the way) grandchildren she is Grandma. Now she is Mrs. Lockhart. But to me, she has always been called Mom. 

It was a special time for us both when I had the chance to fly to Alberta and sit in my mom’s sun-lit living room for the interview for this story. While there is so much of her life that I know would minister to you all, her faith through the middle of the loss of a spouse is what I want to share with you today. This story is incredibly hard to write, because it’s personal. I was there too, sometimes in the very room. When she lost her husband, I lost my Papa. This is family. But this is not my story. This is her story. And I will do my very best to honour that. 

Maureen was eight years old at summer camp when she first heard about God and prayed to accept Him as Saviour. A member of her grandparents church had paid $9 for her to attend for the week. Little did that person know that their gift would begin a legacy of faith that would start with her and be passed on to children and grandchildren. It was at the age of 14 that she choose to be baptized. At the time she wrote a poem titled “My Friend.” She belonged to Jesus. And through various trials and storms over the years, this truth remained an anchor that steadied her course. 

She met Detlev Buschhaus during her university days and they were married in 1979. By the time they celebrated ten years married, they had four kids: Miriam, Christopher, Catherine, and Anne (that’s me). While it feels a little unnatural to jump past so many years of story, we pick up Maureen’s story in the summer of 2006. The youngest kid had just graduated high school and Detlev and Maureen were preparing to be empty nesters come September. 

In the few years leading up to this point in her story, Maureen had begun a journey of healing and what she looks back now on as a time of preparation for what was to come. With only one child left at home, she had time to be in God’s word, in prayer, and in journaling. God was filling the reservoir with truth and strength and hope and faith that she didn’t yet know she would need. 

To celebrate both her birthday and his, as June turned into July, Maureen and Detlev decided to take a trip to one of their favourite places on the west coast of Vancouver Island. It was there that God spoke directly to Maureen the words that would be another anchor steadying her through the next year and a half. As she climbed the rocks and looked down to see Detlev curled up like a cat in the sun on the beach, God whispered to her heart, “Where you are going, he cannot go.” 

That summer they started to notice something wasn’t right. Detlev would trip when running, was experiencing pain in his fingers and feet. The symptoms only continued to worsen to the point he was wheelchair bound. After countless trips to family doctor, urologist, neurologist, bloodwork, scans, and finally a biopsy, Detlev was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. In November 2006 he begun his 1st treatment phase with two weeks of chemotherapy, to be followed by five more treatments in the months after. 

God provided again and again for their immediate needs. The day they were told they would have to be away for treatment, a friend of my sister’s had arrived, herself needing a place to stay. A quick lesson on milking goats and collecting eggs, she was able to stay on their farm and keep things running while they had to be away. During the long drives my mom had to do, God kept her awake and safe (with the help of coffee.)

Detlev initially showed signs of improvement with the chemotherapy and radiation. However, prior to beginning an additional ‘preventative’ course of treatment, an updated MRI determined that treatment would be classified as ‘prescriptive.’ It wouldn’t completely irradiate the cancer, only prolong his life by a few months. The cancer had moved into his brain. It would eventually move into his spine. A year after Maureen had heard God whisper those words to her heart, the doctor informed them it was terminal. 

The grief was immense for both of them. And while they had been holding on to hope, neither Detlev or Maureen were surprised with the diagnosis. The Lord had been preparing their hearts. While Maureen couldn’t pray during those difficult months, she knew they were both being held. During a season that could only be described as emotionally messy, deep down there was reassurance that God was real. When Detlev was scared at night, unable to sleep, God gave Maureen the scripture and wisdom to speak into the fear. 

Detlev made the decision that he no longer wanted to continue treatment and wanted to spend his last few months on the family farm. As he became more and more immobile and the cancer began to affect his cognition, Maureen faithfully cared for him. And while he used up his energy with his visits with family and friends, she was his safe place where all his grief and pain was poured out. In those dark months, she clung to these words from a hymn:

“Day by day, and with each passing moment, strength I find to meet my trials here; trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment, I’ve no cause for worry or for fear…” 

As I open my hymnal to find the words, the scripture at the top of the page catches my eye. It is from 2 Corinthians 12:9. “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” God poured his grace out again and again in a season that was filled with more sorrow than joy. Daily God gave Maureen what she needed to make it through that day. 

In the early hours of December 15th, 2007 at the age of 54, Detlev breathed his last breath. With his kids at his feet, and his wife of nearly 29 years, as she had been through the whole journey, by his side. Maureen describes that moment at death as a tearing.  Apart.  Scripture talks about how two shall become one. And suddenly what had been one was torn asunder. 

The grief that came at first was numbness, coupled with the overpowering emotion of “goneness.” It would be months later when little losses would allow the grief to surface in great tidal waves. And it would be three years before Maureen began piece by piece to feel herself and not like a huge part was missing. Her prayers were tears, not words. The grief made it hard to read scripture. She loved Detlev deeply and he had loved her. 

God spoke clearly to Maureen once more. It was the evening after Detlev’s memorial. The day was December 21st. All alone, she had climbed into bed with the basket of cards that she had received that day. She read through each one. And as she came to the end, she asked God, “now what?” He told her He had a card for her. She opened her Bible and her eyes fell on Isaiah 54:5+6:

“For your Maker is your husband,

    the Lord of hosts is His name;

and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer,

    the God of the whole earth He is called.

For the Lord has called you

    like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit,

like a wife of youth when she is cast off,

    says your God.”

She knew then that God would meet her needs. This became the third anchor that held her through the grief and emptiness. 

And God did provide, in more ways than can be recounted here. He provided financially through the right job at the right time. For a time she was making cheese and jokingly told me that the cheese was often salted with salt and tears. He provided through friendships with other believers who intimately understood grief. He provided through members of the local church and community helping to meet the needs of the widow. Even the ramp that had been built for Detlev when he was wheelchair bound meant that when Maureen opened her home to foster care, she was the only home able to take a boy who was wheelchair bound. He would stay with her for the next 6 years. God provided by surrounding her with the prayers of a group of godly people that prayed weekly for her. 

Maureen now carries with her a deeper understanding of God’s love, and fuller understanding of His character. She can see His provision. As she declared as a teen, she still belongs to Jesus.  

As I was reflecting on God’s provision in Maureen’s story, I was drawn back to scripture. In Genesis, Abraham declares that God is Jehovah-Jireh, God will provide. The context is atop a mountain with his son Isaac. God has told Isaac that he needs to sacrifice his son. And at the last minute provides a ram in Isaac’s place. Abraham calls the place “God will provide.” The Hebrew words for provide is also “see to it,” (as we talked about in last month’s post about Hagar in Margartia’s story). It also means to “perceive” and “experience.” God sees our personal needs and makes provision for it. And as we know, this story of Abraham and Isaac on the mountain, where a sacrifice is made in Isaac’s place is a fore-shadowing of what is to come. For on that mountain, many generations later, God’s own Son would be the ultimate provision and sacrifice meeting our most personal need for salvation. And it is because of that provision that death is not final. 

Praise be to Jehovah-Jireh, because there will be a day when pain and sadness and grief will be no more. There will be a day when there is no more cancer and sickness and death. There will be a day when there is no more emptiness and tearing-in-two. There will be a day when mourning will turn to dancing, when all will be made new and whole. There will be a day when Maureen will see Detlev again. 

While there is so much more of the story still left to be told, we’ve agreed that now is not quite the right time. Perhaps one day I will be able to write and share the much bigger story of pain and healing and brokenness and redemption that I see in my mom’s story, in our family’s story. Some pages are still being written. 

Maureen and Detlev on one of many visits to the West Coast of Vancouver Island.

PS. This hymn which I quoted above is one loved by both my mom and I. May you be encouraged by these words of hope.

“Day by day and with each passing moment, 

Strength I find to meet my trials here; 

Trusting in my Father's wise bestowment, 

I've no cause for worry or for fear. 

He whose heart is kind beyond all measure 

Gives unto each day what he deems best–

Lovingly, its part of pain and pleasure, 

Mingling toil with peace and rest. 

Ev'ry day the Lord himself is near me, 

With a special mercy for each hour; 

All my cares he gladly bears and cheers me, 

He whose name is Counselor and Pow'r.

The protection of his child and treasure 

Is a charge that on himself he laid:

"As your days, your strength shall be in measure"– 

This the pledge to me he made. 

Help me then in ev'ry tribulation 

So to trust your promises, O Lord, 

That I lose not faith's sweet consolation 

Offered me within your holy Word. 

Help me, Lord, when, toil and trouble meeting, 

E'er to take, as from a father's hand, 

One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,  

Till I reach the promised land.”