Faith in the Middle of Miscarriage
Before jumping into this month’s story, I want to give a sort of trigger warning. Today’s story is about miscarriage and will not be vague. The data varies, but roughly 1 in 6 known pregnancies end in miscarriage. It is also common for miscarriages to occur before a woman even knows she is pregnant, making the statistic even higher. We all know someone, or have been that someone, that has walked through the middle of this. Each story is unique. Each child was unique and loved. They are still loved. I am holding each of you and each of them close to my heart as I write this story.
When the idea for the Faith in the Middle series was first planted inside my heart, the first woman I thought of asking was my dear friend Vanessa. I heard someone recommend once that you should find someone 10 years ahead of you that you look up to to be a sort of mentor. They are through the stage you are in so can give good insight and wisdom, but not so far ahead that they’ve forgotten it! Vanessa is that person for me. I first caught a glimpse of her in the dimly lit halls of one of our church sites. At first I was slightly intimidated. A beautiful woman with amazing taste in clothes. She was introverted enough that I didn’t know if she wanted me to say hi. But when I had the opportunity to sit at her kitchen table, with my whole life poured out, I got a glimpse into the fiery passion inside her. It happens every time I listen to her pray. She prays as someone who has gone through trial, who has wrestled with God in the depths of sorrow and found Him to be everything He says He is and more. No one has taught me more about how to fix my thoughts on God more than her. And this is what this story is about.
Vanessa was born on the east coast of Canada in Labrador City. She had always attended church with her family, hearing about salvation. There was one night in particular when in tears she asked her mom how she could be sure she’d go to heaven if she died. Knowing Vanessa had prayed a prayer of salvation before, her mother reassured her that God was with her, always there. The assurance of her salvation birthed something inside of her. She would go on to have many special memories of feeling God’s presence throughout her life.
Ministry has, through the years, slowly moved her west, with long stints in Ontario and Alberta. She now lives in British Columbia. With a degree in Biblical theology, Vanessa has worked for many years in administration for non-profits (which, if you know her, makes so much sense: this gal loves organization and does it well).
August 18th, 2001, she married Marco who she had met after getting her degree. (Interesting side note: Marco’s brother and Vanessa’s sister met at their wedding and got married a year later. Brothers married to sisters!) They had only been married 13 months when they got pregnant after six months of trying. Josiah, now 18, was born after a healthy, uneventful pregnancy.
When Josiah was three, they decided it was good timing for another child. Eight months later, Vanessa discovered she was pregnant. A family wedding took them out of town just as she had passed the first trimester mark. The day was August 18th 2006. It was her five year wedding anniversary, the day before her brother-in-laws wedding. During the trip she had experienced some spotting, which is not uncommon in the first trimester. But on that day, when she went to use the bathroom at a nail salon, she knew something was wrong. She was hemorrhaging blood. A trip to the hospital for an ultrasound confirmed what she already knew in her gut.
There was no more baby.
Weddings are supposed to be a happy time, and so after a sleepless night in her hotel room trying to process the shock, she put the emotions on hold. She got up, put on a pretty dress, did her hair and makeup, put on a smile, and no one could tell.
They tried for three more years after that miscarriage, and every month experienced the disappointment that is familiar to so many women who’s hearts ache to hold a baby in their arms.
One Sunday after receiving prayer from their pastor, he turned to Vanessa and said “God wants you to know that it is imminent.” Vanessa went home and googled the definition of imminent. About to happen. At hand. Approaching…. Two weeks later a positive pregnancy test, a healthy pregnancy, and Khaim, now 12, a gift of life. However, throughout the pregnancy Vanessa had to battle back the fear that wanted so desperately to grip her heart. The same theme kept coming up again and again. God is sovereign. God is faithful. Khaim came early, and eight days after he was born, on what was his due date, Marco’s dad passed away having had a chance to meet his grandson.
Because it had taken them a while to get pregnant with Khaim, they decided to not wait before trying for a third child. And sometimes God answers prayers right away. Vanessa got pregnant quickly. When she was 13 weeks along, she was at church on a Sunday and stood up at the end of the service. She knew immediately something wasn’t right. She went to the bathroom and discovered she was hemorrhaging blood really badly. Again. The all too familiar fear and panic started to knock at the door, begging to be let in.
The next few hours sitting in the busy waiting room waiting for an ultrasound she went to war, with a battle raging for her head and for her heart. Her prayers quiet but mighty. In the desperation she was crying out to God. She was praying, yes God’s will be done, but she was also letting God know what she wanted to happen. She grabbed onto God, needing Him to be an anchor for her amid the turmoil. Even in her prayers of desperation, there was worship as she declared the truth of His faithfulness. To fight the fear she turned to scripture and one of her key life verses:
Proverbs 3:5 (Vanessa’s translation and prayer):
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Don’t lean on your own understanding. I don’t understand why this is happening. And it hurts so much. But even more than that, who You are transcends the hurt and uncertainty. The circumstance doesn’t change who You are.”
When they finally got into the ultrasound, the technician showed them a healthy beating heart.
Relief.
They were also shown an empty sack.
Grief.
Vanessa had, unknowingly, been carrying twins. And that morning, they had lost one of the twins.
For two weeks she continued to bleed as her body simultaneously shed what was left of one twin while continuing to support the life of the other. Countless hours on the couch with an open Bible before her, Vanessa found refuge in scripture. This was a practice she had started as a young teen: praying scripture as she read it.
“You know, when you’re in the thick of it, and your brain wants to spiral into fear. One time a day wasn’t enough. I had to triple up on three times of Bible reading a day. I needed to fight the urge to fear and replace it with God’s promises. When these hard times come, I have a choice. How am I going to respond? Am I going to respond the way God wants me to respond? Am I going to trust Him when I don’t understand? Am I going to focus on His character? Who He is does not change. My circumstances change, but He does not. So what I am going to trust? What doesn’t change or life circumstances? So how would the enemy want me to respond? He would want me to feel fear, feel disappointed, start to feel anxious and worry. Or even be angry. I’m not denying those feelings, but taking them to God. It’s okay to feel those things, but even more so the truth overrides that. If I respond the way the enemy wants me to, it will spiral down into resentment and turn me away from God when I should be turning to God. The anxiety will cripple me. Sometimes what I know and what I feel are two different things. What I know is God’s character, His truth, His promises. And sometimes what I feel doesn’t line up with that. That’s okay, because feelings are something that change, are temporary. They aren’t transcendent.” - Vanessa
The rest of the pregnancy was normal. Nakita, whose name means victorious, is now a bright eyed spunky girl of ten years.
Walking through these seasons of miscarriage and loss, of hope followed by disappointment, solidified for Vanessa truth she knew about God that now she had experienced. In those darkest moments, waiting in the emergency room, lying awake in a hotel room at night, waiting for the body to heal, fighting against fear and anxiety spirals, Vanessa grabbed onto God with everything she had. And it was exhausting. The emotional and mental battle took a toll, but she refused to let go. And it was in those moments where she discovered a deeper reality. He was holding on to her even tighter. He entered into her pain.
“He can handle the tears. He can handle the frustration. He can handle everything…. He can handle all of me.”
I recently heard a cover of the song “Praise You In the Storm” and I think it beautifully captures Vanessa’s heart posture that we’ve seen in her story.
Vanessa has had many opportunities over the years as a pastors wife to sit with others who are walking similar paths. And if that is you, these are her words to you:
“God is faithful, even when things happen that we don’t understand. God wants us to trust Him and not lean on our own understanding, our own perception of reality. He transcends all that. He’s not indifferent to our pain and our tears. He is a loving Heavenly Father who is actually carrying us through and who is loving on us. He is worthy of all our trust, all our questions, even when we don’t get all the answers. We can trust His sovereignty.”