Faith in the Middle of Singleness
I discovered a new song recently and it has been in steady rotation on my way to and from school pick ups. The words of the chorus linger on my heart long after the music ends and the next song begins.
“I will not hang my head, His banner is over me. He said I am His poetry; He won’t waste a word. I’m gonna wait, wait on the Lord.” - Taylor Leonhard, Poetry
As I talked with my dear friend Allison* about her story, these lyrics echoed through my mind. It beautifully sums up the heart at the middle of this story, a heart that has obediently followed Jesus around the world. A heart that continues to wait on the Lord, even through seasons of loneliness and uncertainty.
Allison was born into a rural farming family. Though her travels have taken her all around the world, she finds herself back in the same region, able to speak Spanish and with a love for spicy food. There are two important things that you need to know about her: She loves Jesus deeply, and she loves people. Her life has been defined by these two things.
As a young girl, she remembers asking Jesus into her heart after a conversation with her mom about heaven. Two years later at camp, she had the opportunity to confirm her faith. That faith became more defined and shaped through her high school years; years filled with ministry involvement and leadership responsibility in church. During her time in Bible school, Allison made the decision to follow Jesus, whatever it may cost her.
Allison’s parents were always supportive of missionaries, often hosting them in their home throughout her childhood. And so, after 4 years of a degree in education and 4 years teaching, an encounter at her school with a missionary led to the first decision to follow Jesus’ leading on to the mission field. At that time, she was only allowed to do a 2 year term. As she left to return home, a conversation with a missionary ended with this line: “If you ever return, make sure it is God calling you back, not just the memories.” This is profound. The easy way is to be led by our feelings. But as we know, the human heart is deceptive. The hard but more rewarding way is to be led by God’s calling.
During the next three years, two things occurred that would have significant impact on Allison’s faith and journey. The first was a Bible study she was a part of with a group of ladies. They did Beth Moore’s study “Believing God,” distinguishing the difference between “believing in God” and “believing God.” It was in that study that Allison found the following verse that would become her life verse.
“I will lead you in the path that is best for your life.” Psalm 32:8 (NLT)
The second thing that occurred was God showing her, through scripture, that He was calling her back to South America. Like He told the disciples to “leave everything to follow Him,” He asked her to leave everything she had to follow. He gave the command to be strong and courageous, that He would go before her. He gave her the right job. He provided the financial support. And so with the assurance that He knew what was right for her and with the peace of a clear calling, Allison returned to the mission field for the next 11 years. Then, just as clearly as He called her to go, He called her back home.
Being back home meant that when the diagnosis of thyroid cancer came, she was able to get excellent medical treatment. It meant that as her parents entered their final years she was able to be by their sides. And for the last 3 years I have been blessed to have her in my life too! (What a gift!)
Now, you may be wondering “but Anne, I thought you were going to talk about faith in the middle of singleness?” Yes. I am. But before I do, I want to preface with this. A person’s identity is so much deeper and complex than their relationship status. And their worth is not defined by it. Let me say that again. Your worth, whether you are single, dating, or married, is not defined by a ring on a finger or the absence of one. Your worth is in being created in the image of God, loved and adored by Him. I heard this quote today by Curt Thompson on a podcast: “We live in a culture that has made marriage a holy grail.” As such, it’s a couple’s/family’s world. Those of us that are married need to be proactive in reaching out and intentionally caring for our single friends and family. And those of us that belong to churches, let’s be making sure our churches are doing a better job at being aware of and caring for the singles. Now back to Allison’s story.
As in most things, there is a “yes and,” and that is true even as Allison has walked through a life of singleness. The yes in this story is that for Allison, the hardest part is being alone. There is a grief and a loss that must be processed not having one’s own immediate family (kids and grandkids). Singleness has meant having to navigate this “couple’s world” being reminded of what she does not have. And it doesn’t necessarily get easier over time. These last few years she has felt more alone now than in years past. This is due to COVID, as well as her friends being more occupied with their grownup kids and grandkids. (The latter is good and normal, but it doesn’t diminish the loneliness.) So what is the ‘and’? Singleness has allowed her the freedom to go where she wants and when she wants. It has allowed her to answer the call of Jesus. It has opened the door for ministry and work opportunities that perhaps would not otherwise be available. It has also allowed for travel all around the world. It has given her the time to invest in lifelong friendships. She has learned to hold this “yes and” with grace for herself and in surrender to the Lord.
Do you remember earlier when I said Allison’s life was defined by a love for Jesus and a love for people? In her life, her ministry, her work, her free time, it’s all about people. Allison is an extrovert, and I am not exaggerating when I say she will go the extra mile for anyone. Heck, she would go the extra 100 miles for her friends and family. She cares deeply, and is intentional about maintaining relationships. When she travels, she travels to see people. The people come first, then the memories created together. Her singleness is not synonymous with selfishness. She goes to people, not waiting for them to come see her, proactive in engaging in relationship. If she wants to attend something, she will invite a friend. If she needs help with something around her house, she will ask for it. Allison has a chosen family that is diverse and allows her to thrive.
Allison’s ability to hold the “yes and” of singleness with such peace comes back to her faith, and trust that when God promises to lead her on the path that is best for her life, He means it. (Ps 32:8) And she believes it. Instead of living life constantly hoping for something she doesn’t have, she believes God that this is His will for her today. One of Allison’s hero’s of the faith, Elisabeth Elliot, says the following in her book “Passion and Purity:”
“The deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by his letting us have our way in the end, but by his making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are able to honestly pray what he taught his disciples to pray: Thy will be done.”
It doesn’t close the door on what may come in the future, but it’s living surrendered to the Lordship of Jesus. The focus is what He has in front of her for her todays instead of wishing for the tomorrows.
This ability to live surrendered to God’s will doesn’t magically happen. For Allison it has been a life time of relationship with Jesus. In our conversation, she said simply “I love Him. That’s the bottom line.” She greets every day with her coffee and open Bible, asking the Holy Spirit what He’s saying to her each day. It’s the Living Word that has and will continue to change her life.
“He is an active presence in my life, daily. And if I will let Him, He will lead and direct me in my life. This is not just “I’m going to Heaven.” This is “I need Him every day.” He walks with me. I’m not sure how I would be without Him. I do know that He’s a faithful God who loves me, and even though sometimes I have my moments, He is leading me in a path that is best for my life. And I believe His promises. Doesn’t mean I don’t have my moments, right? I would never want to come across that way that I don’t. But I choose not to dwell on them, cause I don’t want to go there.” - Allison
So how has Allison walked in faith through the middle of singleness? Practically, it has been intentionally building deep friendships, and focusing on living what is before her today. Ultimately though, it has been with eyes firmly fixed on Jesus, trusting that He will lead her and willing to go where He leads. I think her life reflects this quote from Elisabeth Elliot.
“The secret is Christ in me, not me in a different set of circumstances.”
It ties beautifully to one of Allison’s favourite songs, “Yet Not I but Through Christ in Me.” The first stanza is as follows:
“What gift of grace is Jesus my redeemer
There is no more for heaven now to give
He is my joy, my righteousness, and freedom
My steadfast love, my deep and boundless peace
To this I hold, my hope is only Jesus
For my life is wholly bound to His
Oh how strange and divine, I can sing, "All is mine"
Yet not I, but through Christ in me”
Friend, God is writing a beautiful story with your life, as He is doing for me, and as He has and continues to do for Allison. And no part of the story will be wasted. Let’s be people who believe Jesus when He says He will lead us on the path that is best for us, people who say “Thy will be done,” people who let Jesus be an active daily presence in our lives, people who say “I love Him. Bottom line.”
*names have been changed and specific details left out for the sake of privacy.
The view from Allison’s front yard during her time in South America.