Faith in the Middle of the Death of a Child

“God never moves without purpose or plan

When trying His servant and molding a man

Give thanks to the Lord though your testing seems long

In darkness He giveth a song

O Rejoice in the Lord

He makes no mistake

He knoweth the end of each path that I take

For when I am tried

And purified

I shall come forth as gold”

- “Rejoice in the Lord” by Ron and Shelly Hamilton

When Laura was in bible school as a young woman, she learned this song. Years later, when she walked through the darkness of the loss of her son, the lyrics would be a source of comfort through the grief. In a few months it will be 15 years since the tragic day. As we talked and the tears streamed down her face, Laura boldly declared Psalm 71: 5+17: “For you are my hope, Lord God, my confidence from my youth…. And I still proclaim your wondrous works.” This is her story. This is her proclamation of the faithfulness of God through the middle of one of life’s great losses.

When I was a teen, I knew who Laura was, but didn’t KNOW her. She was the sweet mom of two kids I was in youth group with. Her daughter Amy was in the middle school group that I co-led. Her son Tim was just a year behind me in high school and we shared many friends. I would even work with her husband Phil at an artisan cheese making farm for 3 summers. But I didn’t start to get to know Laura until 3 years ago when I heard her speak at a woman’s conference that I too was speaking at. When I started this project, I knew she was one of the ladies I wanted to talk to. Laura is quiet and introverted, a woman of few words. But when she does speak, you know she’s taken the time to really think through what she’s saying. It was a privilege to listen to her share her story with me.

Laura was born into a Christian family in Alberta where her dad was both a plumber and a pastor. With a German background, she developed a strong work ethic from a young age. At the age of six, she knelt by her bed by herself and prayed a salvation prayer out of a desire to go to heaven. At 16 she was baptized. Her faith at that point was not just about salvation but about an ongoing relationship with God. She developed a false theology that I think is common of kids who have grown up in the Christian environment; that since her behaviour was good and she followed all the rules, God would not let anything bad happen to her. It wouldn’t be long before this was deeply challenged. Laura attended Bible school for three years, and that time served to deepen her faith, specifically in regards to the important of prayer. She continued on to nursing school, (she has been a nurse for 34 years) and  year into her program she married her high school sweetheart Phil. The year was 1986. They have now been married for 36 years. 

Three years later, in 1989, Laura gave birth to their first child: Timothy (Tim). In 1992, she gave birth to a precious girl that was stillborn. They named her Alison. Their third child, Amy, was born the following year in 1993. Laura deeply grieved the loss of Alison. But that part of her story is not what we focused on in our conversation.

Before I go any further, I need to tell you about Tim. Tim was a happy, goofy kid who was always smiling. He had a weird sense of humour, loved music and video games, and did not like to be late. He was not one who would enjoy a surprise party. But he would want to be at the party. He was very social. And this is an important part of who Tim was and this story. Tim always had many friends. He was drawn to the other kids who were quirky and often seen on the outside of “mainstream.” Tim himself was quirky, and for many years sported bring blue hair. He was one of the easiest people to talk to. He cared deeply and was very affectionate. And his friends loved him for it. He was always with his friends, and into his later teens would often rely on his skateboard to get from one friend to another.

In 2003, the family moved from Alberta to Vancouver Island, BC. They were looking for a different pace of life. Phil left work as a supervisor in a lumber mill and was looking to be with the family more. Once they had settled into the mid-island area, the whole family seemed to settle. Previously fighting frequently, Tim and Amy started to get along more. The family got connected into a good church and built many lasting friendships.

In August of 2007, the whole family travelled to South Africa on a missions trip. Tim, having graduated high school a few months earlier, turned 18 on that trip. This experience was meaningful to the whole family. Coming out of that trip, two things happened that would be significant: Firstly, one of the questions in Laura’s mind as they returned was how she could use what God had given her for His kingdom purposes. As she looked at her life, she was humbled by how much God had blessed her with. Secondly, a few weeks after returning from South Africa, Laura was prompted one night to ask Tim: “Who are your friends? And how do you know them?” He started listing name after name, and Laura wrote them all down.

On Sunday, September 23rd, 2007, Tim had asked to skateboard out to a friends house a bit of a ways out of town. It was already later in the day, and Laura and Phil were worried about him skate boarding on rural roads in the dark. They agreed they would go to the evening service at church and then drop him off afterwards. As they neared his friends house, Phil pulled off the highway and Tim got out of the car, getting ready to jump the ditch to get to his friend’s house. In that moment Laura was prompted to get out of the car and give him a big hug.

The next day, Monday September 24th, 2007, Laura was running some errands and called Phil from Costco to ask if there was anything he needed. Phil told her to drop everything and come home. There was something in his voice. When she met him at home, he told her the news. There had been an accident. Tim was being airlifted to Victoria. They needed to pick up Amy from school and make the 2 hour drive to where Tim was. They called some friends and asked them to pray. The extent of Tim’s injuries were not known yet.

It had happened at 1 pm. Tim had been skateboarding back into town from his friend’s house. There was speculation that perhaps his skateboard that he had modified had broken from strain, but that could never be confirmed. What is known is that Tim veered suddenly into traffic and was hit.

When Laura and the family arrived in the ICU and got to see Tim, they were informed that Tim had suffered a severe head injury. His brain had swollen and there was no response to reflex tests. The doctors had one more test they wanted to run to test his brain function. The results were not good. There was no life left.

The shock that rocked Laura was immense and intense. God had taken Alison and now had taken Tim too.

“That was the moment I realized I didn’t know God as well as I thought I did. And He had purposes beyond my imagination.” - Laura

They now had the hardest decision parents have to make. Laura told me that it was God’s peace that passes understanding that enabled them to make it. They had to let go. Tim’s organs would be donated. The only thing that had suffered injury was his head. All other organs were healthy and intact.

The time came to go in and see Tim and say goodbye.

It was the hardest moment of Laura’s life.

As she hugged her boy, she whispered in his ear: “I don’t want you to go, but I know God has others plans, so it’s okay or you to go, because you will be with Jesus.” The only other thing left inside of her were the wails of a mother.

That night, they made the two hour drive back home without their boy. Their hearts were shattered. A numbness settled over them. Family and friends quickly surrounded them, taking care of all the little details. Answering the phone, making phone calls: someone was there to support and walk alongside them as they handled every detail.

Laura just wanted to sleep. When she was asleep, she could escape the pain. She would wake up hoping it had been a nightmare. It was also hard to spend time with others. Those first few weeks, she couldn’t read scripture or pray. As many of us have been taught, Laura had heard that the deeper suffering, the closer to God it would draw you. She was expecting comfort. She was looking God to take away her grief.    

Nothing could take away the grief. It was all consuming.

Two weeks after the accident she returned to work to keep herself busy. But when they lost Tim, she lost her ability to sing. She lost her joy. Laura felt so lonely. It seemed as if God was silent.

“It didn’t seem like He was just distant, He just seemed silent. And that really was curious to me. Because, like I said, I expected Him to feel really close to me, but I didn’t have that feeling. Because of my past foundation of faith, I knew He was, because I came to a point where I just had to, because I didn’t feel Him close, I had to rely on His promises. And believe that what He says in His word is true, whether I feel it or not. I just had to decide if I was going to be angry with Him and just turn away. But I knew I couldn’t do that because I would be totally lost and I couldn’t make it through without him. So I just decided I would pour over His word and read His promises. And looking back, He really did minister to my heart a lot during that time. The scripture that He gave me were so encouraging, even through my grief. Even now, those scriptures are very precious to me.”

After a month had passed from the accident, Laura had started journalling, and she began to write out scripture. And God began the work of ministering and bringing healing to her heart, in ways only He could.

One of the ways God let Laura know He was with her even in this was to usee people in her community to meet her in her sorrow in significant ways.

The first happened in one of the lowest times. The family was at the funeral home to view Tim’s body before the memorial and burial. Laura was sitting on her father’s knee. And as he held her, he reminded her that when she was a child, she would sing “Jesus loves me” as a way to comfort herself. And her whispered these words into her ear. “Jesus still loves you.” Laura believed it in her head, but need to be reminded. Tim’s death was not a punishment for her. Yes, God had allowed something devastating to happen. But He had a greater purpose and plan. And His love for her was great.

In another instance of being cared for, a dear friend and fellow nurse gifted Laura with a box filled with little notes of scripture and encouragement all rolled into scrolls for the moments when she needed a nugget of truth. On what would have been Tim’s 19th birthday, they took 19 blue balloons and put one of those scrolls into each ballon and released them.

Laura felt seen by God when, two days after praying “God, show me a picture of Tim in heaven,” a friend called out of the blue and said “Laura, my sister had a picture of Tim in heaven.” This woman knew of Laura and her family, but did not know them personally. Yet when she had had this dream of Tim, overwhelmingly happy and joyful, she knew it was him and passed it along through her sister. Laura believe’s God entrusted this picture to someone else so that she could not doubt her own heart.

Finally, one of his friends had the idea to buy blue hair dye and took it down to the youth centre in town where Tim had many friends that would hang out. Whoever wanted could dye their hair in memory of Tim. And so for many months, when Laura would be driving through town, or at the grocery store, she would see the many lives touched by her son.

Laura felt drawn to Tim’s friends. Remember in the weeks before the accident when Laura had felt prompted to ask Tim who his friends were? She had all those names and numbers written down. So when they needed guys to carry his casket, she knew who to call. When they had tiles made with Tim’s picture, she knew who to give them to. She was even able to invite his friends over a few at a time, to give them space to share their Tim stories, to meet others who shared in the grief. And when they came, she let them go to his room and choose an item to keep as a way to remember Tim.

While God didn’t take away Laura’s grief, He did make himself known through scripture. And that served to deepen and strength her faith. Because, as we talked about in last months post, our faith is strengthen through trials where we have to put it into practice. Laura shared some of the poignant lessons she learned in the months and years after Tim’s death.

“I never felt anger for the woman who was driving and hit Tim. I never felt to blame her. I just knew, because I had prayed for Tim’s safety. He skateboarded a lot. And even just before his accident I had prayed for his safety. And so, I just knew that it was God’s timing. And He says in His word that the days of our lives are numbered. And He has our days planned for us before even one of them comes to be. So I knew that that was all the time God had planned for Tim to be on this earth. I didn’t agree with Him on that, but I came to accept it, because His way is perfect. Another thing that God taught me was that Jesus wants my whole life. He wants every part of me, and when I surrender my whole life to Him, it means that I can’t set stipulations for Him. I can’t say “you can go this far, but no farther. You can take one child, but you can’t take two. You can take two, but you can’t take three. And that’s an ongoing lesson, to surrender my whole self, surrender control of everything to Him. I guess what I tend to fear is that, I understand that He wants what’s best for me, but I’m not necessarily always going to agree with what He thinks is best. And it’s going to hurt sometimes. And that’s what I fear, I guess. Allowing God to control everything, even if it’s going to hurt. It does comfort me to know that He does love me. And I always remind myself that God loves me more than anyone else in this world. And whatever happens in my life, He can work for His plans and purposes. So I just decide that I am going to entrust my life to Him and allow Him to do what He needs to do so that He gets the glory.”

And Laura has and is continuing to share her story so that God gets the glory. It struck me that upon their return from South Africa, she was asking God how she could use what she was given for His kingdom purposes. She was given something she never asked for, and still would not choose of her own accord. And yet she is stewarding even this that God has allowed her to walk through.

Her prayers have returned. She prays regularly for Tim’s friends that were on that list, that they would know God. She prays for those who received his organs, that they would know God. And she can sing again. She can sing the lyrics of her youth: “O Rejoice in the Lord, He makes no mistakes.” And she can sing a new song.

Psalm 40:1-3 says this:

“I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what He has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.”

PS.  As I was writing Laura’s story, one song in particular kept coming up again and again in my mind (and on my playlist.) Here are some of the lyrics:

“Sometimes the pain felt like a hallow in my chest, sometimes I struggle just to take another step. All I could see was shadows looming up ahead. Will we find some peace in the end? Through all the fear and doubt, we long for better days. And in our hopelessness we tried to find our way. Yet in the strife we saw a glimmer through the haze. Even in the sorrow we can still believe: This lonely heart will sing again. These barren lungs will breathe again. Through suffering we’re stronger, in the palm of hIs hand. Like a beacon in the night, hope illuminates the sky. Reaching for each other, and as we carry on, we are keepers of the light.“

- “Sing Again” by Michael W Smith.

PPS. Here are the links to both songs on Youtube, both beautiful and moving renditions. May your heart be stirred to proclaim with Laura the sovereignty of God.