This Day and Every Day
By now you are probably familiar with the idea of “TBT” (throw back Thursday), or the Time-hop feature on Facebook that lets you look back at things you posted on this day in the past. Even my google photos app has a way to look back at photos of past years. I have a photo from a year ago of bald baby Eleanor on her YeYe’s lap in front of their Christmas tree. There’s a photo of an itty-bitty Elizabeth asleep on my lap in front of the fireplace from four years ago. Apparently seven years ago I was headed up in the gondola on Grouse Mountain, taking the kids from the day care I worked at for a winter-wonderful escape on a pro-d day.
But even before the advent of smart apps that help you remember everything, I had another, more analog, way of keeping track of things. Journaling. I first seriously started journaling my last year of high school, 15 years ago. My journals hold details of events, prayers, sermon notes, (as well as notes written back and forth between friends during sermons because what else do you do when you are 18...) As with many habits I tried to develop in the past, there were ebbs and flows, seasons of an abundance of words and seasons of barren land. Once Bob and I started dating, I processed a lot more verbally with him and the need to journal lessened. For a time I journaled mostly sermon notes.
Periodically, I go to a shelf in my closet where they are all lined up, and let myself go back in time. Sometimes I laugh as I remember good memories, often I shake my head at how silly and naive I was, other times a deep sadness washes over me as I think of things lost, painful seasons. But more than anything I see evidence of God’s faithfulness through it all.
So I thought I would let you in to a trip down memory lane. (A little redacted at times cause not all things need to be shared!)
About Novembers: I haven’t always been the biggest fan of Novembers. They tend be when the rain sets in in earnest here on the “wet” coast of BC. And then with the busyness of December. I would often reset in January. So there isn’t an entry for every year. And some of the entries are the days around Nov 24. But here are snippets of from the last 15 years....
2005 - Grade 12, Coombs, BC
Nov 23:
"Hear my heart God. So much to say. So much I'm struggling with. Help me Father. Fill me."
Nov 24:
"Grandma Ruby (mom’s grandma) died tonight around 9:00. She was 99. I feel for mom. I am glad for G. Ruby but it's hard for those left behind. Mom came home yesterday with Gail. I'm glad she was home and I was able to give her a big hug. Lord, because of your love and mercy, we will see G. Ruby again. She is with you. Thank you . Lord, may your name be glorified."
2006 - DYFC, Dromore, Northern Ireland
Nov 23: I wrote out the lyrics to the Starfield songs "Alive In this moment" and "Cry in my heart"
"This afternoon I just sat, not singing, just sat in the presence of God, trying to be still. I feel like I've been so busy doing stuff that I've forgotten to take time just me and God. I've forgotten how to walk around and sing, be in constant prayer and praise. And my heart is aching, my fire's burning low. Lord, would you fan the flame in this daughter's heart. Revive this spirit oh Father."
Nov 24:
"I had a very relaxing day today, even though I did work in the morning. Grace, Anna and I all sat around the kitchen table this morning with caramel coffee's cause Lorraine gave us a lift in. Was nice indeed. Today's work consisited of making a menu for our retreat, writing out a grocery list, and vacuuming the stage at the Base! I had a really relaxing afternoon and tonight is the Gathering. Still debating whether or not to go to see Casino Royal (James Bond) movie tonight or not. Might be good craic, but James Bond? anyhoo... I'm kind of worried about Mom. She seemed really down and tired when I talked to her yesterday. But then i'm reminded of our devotion this morning. Phillipians 4:5-6...
Father, would you draw near to mom right now, wherever she is. Lord, I give my concern for her over to you. You are sovereign. Precious Lord, come fill this place tonight. Dwell amongst your people here. May your presence be felt, may your glory fall, may your presence fill up our senses. You are holy, may we be holy as you are holy.
2007 - Nothing was written as that was the fall Papa was sick. I didn't journal. I felt far from God.
2008 - Vancouver, BC, 2nd year at UBC
Nov 22:
"I discovered some of my journals. It's crazy to see the change. But is it all good? I'm not sure. I feel like I've lost my passion for people. And have a lot of innocence when it comes to guys and relationships. I guess in a way I feel chewed, enjoyed, and spit out again. Which I shouldn't. Maybe too, I feel exhasted. And have to write a 12 page paper for Monday... gah......
"God, give me strength. Holy Spirit would you come and refresh my soul. You are the author of life, to you I will give the glory."
Nov 25:
"Today the theme seemed to be resting in God... waiting and listening..."
Nov 27:
"My body and soul are weak... I cry out to God to restore life inside me. Why is my heart so heavy?
2009 - Vancouver BC, 3rd year at UBC
Nov 22: sermon notes from Dunbar. Barton preached on the Parable of the Treasure and the Pearl, a sermon called "On Value"
"The kingdom of heaven is a treasure of such superior value that it is worth the loss of everything just to have it”
Nov 26: I wrote a lot, but this prayer stands out:
"Father, I have such a deep insecurity of failing... i thought I had dealt with it, but the struggle is still there. There is so much I want to change and learn and grow and do... motive me Lord... Light a fire within my heart and soul....
"I need to learn to extend grace to myself I think. Sometimes I see far too many faults."
2012 - Vancouver, BC
Nov 25:
"One month till Christmas!"
"My mind and heart are full, but in a cluttered sort of way. I feel out of my depth. I have leaned on my own strength, which has failed me. I need to run back into the arms of my Saviour.... Lord, I'm running to your arms. Hold me. Fill me. God of patience and mercy. Forgive me of my mistrust, my selfishness... wash me clean. Make me whole. Be my peace when fear overcomes me and seeks to cripple me. Be my truth each time I start to wander. Be here, make me whole in your presence. Be my joy and give me a reason to sing out loud. Fear has no place, the weak are made strong, grace and rest are received in your presence."
2014 - Vancouver, BC
Nov 24:
"We found out today that BOB PASSED THE UFE WITH HONORS!!! So super proud of him.
Nov 26"
"But you, O Lord are a shield around me, my glory and the lifter of my head. I cried aloud to the Lord, and He answered me." - Psalm 3:3=4
2015 - Vancouver BC
Nov 22:
"On Friday, Nov 20, I saw the heartbeat of our baby. My first ultrasound. Things are going well. Just over 7 months and I get to meet this child. Oh that God may protect it, keep it healthy and strong. Father, give me wisdom to raise this child in such a way that glorifies you and points them to Christ.
2018 - Coquitlam, BC
Nov 23:
"I don't feel so well (lingering throat/cough/yuckiness) so I know that's affecting how I feel. I feel discouraged. And yet there is a lot to be thankful for. Another healthy baby GIRL! growing inside of me, moving, responding. Christmas is coming and things are really coming together with decorations/plans/gifts... and I'm excited to celebrate the season. Bob sold Legacy to Deloitte and so we are at the beginning of a busy transition time. There have been so many good moments/memories created this fall. But I still feel discouraged. Why? Well partly cause I'm sick, but also because I know deep inside that I've been leaning on self, been self-absorbed, loving pleasure, unintuned to God's speaking...and I know that is not the healthy way to be.
Father, you have give me life and my life on purpose. Help me to live it and steward it well. Holy Spirit, you are a guide, dwelling in me. Lead me. Teach me. Convict me of my wrongs, give me courage to act on your promptings. May my life reflect you, my creator, your love and peace. I don't want to appear godly but at the same time be denying God's power. Work in me. Work through me. Help me to stay humble. May my love for you grow."
I read this and hear echos of the same thing over and over again. A prayer cried out from a place of weariness, longing for peace. And in the midst of those moments I was unable to see how God would answer those prayers. But He has. In His goodness He answered each prayer.
He met me in the aches
He fanned the flame in my heart
He has revived me again and again, like water poured out onto dry land.
He has made His presence felt, whether through scripture or through the actions of others.
He has drawn near in times of sorrow even when I was pushing Him away.
He gave me the strength to push through every paper of my undergrad.
He has carried my burden.
He brought me to a place where I began to deal with all the insecurities, including the insecurity of failing.
He has forgive me.
He is in the process of making me whole
His voice of truth has become louder and louder in my life. (Cause I’m listening more!)
He has give me two healthy girls.
He has directed our family on all the twists and turns.
And most of all, He has led me, taught me, convicted me, given me courage, kept me humble, and increased my love for him.
While I share glimpses of my story and life, I hope you see the deeper truths that can resonate in your life as well. Because you too have a story. I’m not sure what page you are on right now, but I know this to be true: If you cry out to God, He will hear, and He is good, and He will answer in one way or another. It may take some years before you see it. But trust me friend; He loves you more than you know. And He wants to be a part of your story.
If I were to add to it today, the entry would look like this:
November 24, 2020:
“Today I had a life-giving conversation with a friend that was the highlight of my day. We talked about some of the deeper pains of life and healing that has come. We talked about God’s faithfulness. The time alone in the car with the worship music blaring was another moment of drawing near to God. Sweet moments with the girls, lunch courtesy of my mother-in-law, and a long nap-time were icing on the cake. Lord, I see your goodness in so many ways. May I learn to trust it more and more, to not worry about what lies ahead, but rely on the evidence I have seen of your faithfulness.”